Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work

David Burns is a great articulator of cognitive behavioral theory. I was very impressed with the original "Feeling Good" book. The concepts, presentation, and exercises make perfect sense and are so much better founded in real science than self-improvement books you find around. The other book is for depression, primarily, and my main complaint about it is that it's packed with exercises...more than a person could really do. This book is shorter and addresses a simpler point: how to improve relationships and get along. Also how to be a great listener and how to respond tactfully. There are only a few exercises presented but they are great. Both the individual exercises and the ways to practice being a good listener and partner are very helpful. The writing is good. The first 1/3 of the book takes a while to get the point when compared with his first book. In particular it spends quite a bit of time basically beating you up about wanting to blame the other person for your relationship problems. Not that I think he's wrong, it's just not that fun to read and, I think, takes up too much of the book. The rest of it is very practical and helpful. And unlike his original book, is not overwhelming. Great read, and I think it would be helpful if carefully applied.

I've been following Dr. Burns off and on (mostly on) since a therapist introduced me to his work in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy years ago. I listen to his "Feeling Good" podcast quite regularly. This book differs from his other works in that he admits that his methods in CBT for individuals did not translate at all into helping people with troubled relationships. It took him years to figure out why this was so, and once he finally made some sense of it, he codified his findings in this book. This is one of the most difficult and important books I've ever read. That's not to say all my relationships are golden now (this is not just for marriage relationships), but just one time through this book gave me some painful and powerful insights that have helped me to let some things go that I've carried for decades. These new notions are helping me figure out how to do better in the future, too, I hope. One thing I know for sure--you will never figure out how to do better and get better if you don't take it upon yourself to learn and try new things. This could be a powerful tool in your toolbox (especially if you are ready to let go of blame, which is ego-crushingly painful and worth every effort), and I highly recommend it. I'm SO looking forward to his new book, too, "Feeling Great!"

Dr. Burns has done it again. Nearly 35 years ago I was introduced to his “FEELING GOOD, The New Mood Therapy” by my therapist. We used the cognitive therapy technique to cure my depression. I was at the cusp between moderate and severe depression and my therapist wanted to place my in the hospital on anti-depressant medication. I chose cognitive therapy and have stayed depression free for 95% of the time. During and after my divorce I blew by some warning signs and slipped back into depression. Two week of cognitive treatment on my own bounced me out and life has remained depression free. I have been finding similar success with ‘Feeling Good Together”. I know it will take me some time to develop the skills and techniques necessary to better my relationships. Changing one’s thoughts and actions takes time, effort and practice. If you will put in the time and do the WORK, you will be rewarded with a better life! Dale

There's a lot in this book that could make it one of the best methods for repairing relationships and building a stronger one. It walks you through various exercises for practicing what to say in certain situations where communication usually breaks down and devolves into misunderstandings - some of these require a friend to act as a stand-in before actually interacting with your partner in the problem area; in many instances, however, that isn't always practical. The focus is on taking responsibility for your own behavior, so you elicit a more favorable reaction in your partner. It teaches you to be a better listener and to show appreciation and understanding. There is a lot here that rings true, as we're often reluctant to claim ownership in how *we* contribute to the problems in our relationship and usually blame the other person. Here's the catch, though. The author espouses that it only takes one to really turn things around and thus we don't really need to ask our partner to adopt the same practices, that by simply changing our own behavior, the other person's will also change. Well ... I disagree. Many times, yes, it takes one to break through barriers and set a better tone. But, if both partners understand how they contribute to the decay in a relationship, there's a greater chance for success. Also, if the other partner (the one not reading the book) is emotionally abusive or just outright insensitive, then it's definitely going to take both people participating in repairing the relationship -- and I wish this had been addressed. If your partner is genuinely caring, yes, applying these techniques will make a notable difference in your interactions, but I can think of some (dysfunctional) couples where just one person making changes isn't going to help enough. All that being said, I do recommend reading this book, as there is so much wisdom that can be gleaned from it; however, I plan to ask my partner to read it and work through the exercises with me. If we both understand how to communicate and most importantly *listen* better, it will help us build a stronger bond.

I have read many books on communication and have attended many marriage seminars and the like. This book caught my attention for some reason. I have now purchased 5 copies. I bought them for both of my sons and my husband. We bought the e-book, but my husband wanted a hard copy to take notes. I thought that was a good sign he would take it seriously! We have been married for 50 years and have a good marriage. This book has taught me many things. I feel that it has already improved our communication. Also, I realized some of the destructive habits I was doing in my conversation with my children and grandchildren. I am hoping I will be able to improve my communication in a variety of settings as I continue to use the principles I have learned in this book.

Between this book and "Feeling Good" I was able to defuse a very public and very painful work situation that happened to me. I wrote a detailed review of the situation in my review for "Feeling Good" so I won't go into specifics here, but I will say it was so bad that I found myself screaming at a new coworker without even realizing how loud I was. I was told later that my voice was so loud that the entire office rang with every word. No joke. The "Feeling Good" book was really good for me to write down all the bad feelings that I had about myself and how I was being treated by this new coworker. It was also good to then continue with the exercise on how I could turn that all around. And I did! I was shocked to see that my reactions to her were changing in a positive way, even though she was threatening me with lawsuits just like before and unable to do her job, just like before. This book, "Feeling Good Together" builds on the first book by introducing the "EAR" concept. EAR stands for Empathy, Assertiveness, and Respect. It was VERY helpful for me when I had to say some not so good things to people about their performance, but do it in a respectful way. I had never before had a tool to assert myself without being negative about it. That exercise was worth the price of this book 100x over. I've bought several copies of this book, but nobody wants to read it. If they really understood why it was so valuable to me, I think they would give it a closer look.

This is an excellent book for a person who wants to improve their relationship with others and most especially with their spouse. And yes, I have read the entire book. Only one person needs to read the book and apply the learning. That is enough to start a chain reaction throughout the relationship. Dr. Burns also shows how these same principles apply to less important relationships. If you have read all of his other books and listened to his training tapes you may not read much that is new but he has put it all together in one spot with thorough explanations and examples for all to learn and benefit from. As a marriage therapist this book is included in my bibliography.

This book has become my new relationship bible. It will take much more practice because there are so many techniques to master. The exercises will need to be practiced several times until it becomes second nature to focus on improving relationships rather than win arguments. TEAM - CBT Offers an option to endless therapy. Bravo Dr. Burns for having the courage to share this with the world, challenging “the old ways”.