Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved

This book is an absolute must-read for anyone in a relationship or someone looking for a relationship. For women, it's even better to read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He DO That?" before reading this book. I believe we should give books like these to our daughters before they date (and a specially tailored version for our sons) so that they know that a healthy relationship is not "expecting too much," "refusing to compromise," or "refusing to acknowledge it takes two to tango" (not true, as many dysfunctional relationships have one destructive person and a partner that tries to please them in order to gain a healthy relationship)."Should I Stay or Should I Go?" debunks many myths surrounding problems in relationships. It is especially validating for women, like myself, who have been involved with unhealthy partners that resisted any kind of attempt on our part to make the relationship better. In fact, this book is best for those struggling in a relationship right now, those who have left an unsatisfying relationship, and those who just can't seem to "get" love right, despite energy-draining effort into the relationship. It gives steps for encouraging an unhealthy man to change, but frankly the steps seem too arduous for me. He can only change if HE wants to change; no amount of feminine wiles will get a man to treat you like a respectable human being, no matter how many books and websites tell you otherwise. Despite this solid program for reform in the book, I would rather just leave someone who hurt me right away. I would understand more if someone decided to try to make it work if children were involved and the unhealthy patterns weren't abusive. I like that the book gives a woman the options with no nonsense rules to establish fairness and NO ABUSE, whether she stays or leaves. It explores all sorts of feelings, including ones that people who were never in abusive relationships may not understand.As a woman in my early twenties, I have struggled in several 4 to 6-month relationships with unhealthy men. In other words, in these relationships from Hell, I was the "giver" and the guy at the time was the "taker," instead of trying to give back equally to the relationship. I felt like I was going crazy. If the guy messed up and lied to me, I was the one with the problem for being upset. If he did something that violated my dealbreakers behind my back and I had difficulty trusting him, he claimed I was "giving him Hell" for mentioning it and feeling scared and resentful. He was free to be arrogant, narcissistic and act superior, but my personality "needed work." If I did something nice for him, it was dismissed as what I "should" be doing (or even criticized), but if he was not doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing (e.g. pornography or strip clubs), he felt he deserved a medal for being boyfriend of the year. He was free to spend hundreds of dollars on frivolous purchases for himself, but refused to spend any money on me, despite eating my food and staying at my place for days on end. I would get accused of lying for no reason, despite my squeaky-clean history of being honest. I was manipulated into giving up my interests to cater to him. I was driven away from my family and friends. I was molded into what HIS idea of what the perfect woman "should" be, and was passive-aggressively criticized or met with utter apathy for expressing my individual sexuality and manner of dress. When he was being selfish and I put my foot down, I would end up crying and apologizing for how much of a [female dog] I was being. One man emotionally cheated on me with his female friend, and loved to point out how I did not fulfill his strange fantasies, randomly saying unsolicited comments about wanting to "do" my friends.Even though it has been months since my last destructive relationship, the wounds still run deep and raw, although they have come a long way through the support of friends, family, music, and therapy. This book further healed me, telling me everything I needed to know about my worth and self-value. Well-meaning yet frustrated people would tell me "you were stupid for staying with him," and "you should have known better," in essence blaming ME for taking the verbal and physical abuse. It turns out that they were unaware of the traumatic bonding phenomenon, as well as the notion that "I have put so much work into it;-- I might as well give my all until I can't anymore."Even worse, I have had "friends" who believed I should have stayed with an unhealthy, narcissistic, manipulative man-child who accused me of lying and being cruel to him. I was deeply unhappy, as he was lazy, cheap, dishonest and cruel to others, and no longer sexually or romantically attractive to me anymore. A relationship built on obligation, caretaking, and uncalled for guilt is not a relationship. It's imprisonment. This book assured me that they were wrong for how they treated me. The book reinforced that I was right to leave someone who made me feel stagnant, angry, guilty, miserable, resentful, like a "mommy," and unsexy.This book validated my feelings to further heal me and make me feel like a whole, capable, smart, loving, and lovable person. I want to recommend this book to anyone and everyone who does not know what a relationship should be like, or who has misconceptions from the media and pop psychology programs like "Catch Him and Keep Him." Guess what, folks-- if your partner pulls away, becomes cruel and/or dishonest with you, it's HIS problem to fix, not yours! Thank you, Lundy Bancroft and JAC Patrissi. You truly make the world better through your writing.

I am a strong minded, educated, self-supporting woman. I was blinded by what I thought was "a deep and abiding love" for my charming, magnetic, brilliant, handsome husband who, in the eyes of most of our friends and family, is a sexy, entertaining charmer. A great provider, husband and father. I found this compassionate, insightful book an emotional life saver in the toxic pond of mental abuse I know I MUST NOW emerge from.After 27 years of searching for a solution to my marriage problems, I finally found the help I needed to make sense of my own behavior and to give up trying to get him to be different. The insights I gained are tremendous. The book helped me see that his suggestion that I "approach him properly" was a hook that led to the bottom of the pond. When defending myself strongly against his unreasonable jealousy, his unfair demands, domestic underfunctioning, distortions and lies did NOT make me guilty of abusing him, as he so vehemently claimed. How his running me in verbal circles and blaming me for running him in circles was just a tactic to exhaust me. I needed and appreciated much needed empathy for how and why I didnt just simply "jump out" and leave.It helped me understand why I was able to tolerate a final year of angry explosions, open raging, infidelity and systematic social humiliation. It helped me understand and cope with my failure to get support from friends and family. It encouraged me to try with family and friends in a different way. When I finally had an emotional break, I took myself to a local office of HAWC, completely beside myself. Me? Asking for help and support from woman's help center? I make donations to that charity.They lent me Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? That led me to this book. Because of the resonating humanity and clear understanding of what I have gone through, I am finally able to face the truth. It's not possible to "behave" in a way that would make my husband be nicer, more fair, more caring or more civil to me. Conventional strategies failed because he does not want our marriage to be different. He chooses to abuse me. I have to love myself the way I love him. I have to be a support to myself. I have to surround myself by people who agree I am worthy of love, care and compassion. I am using this book first to rebuild my outer and inner strength to have clear, strong boundaries with him to manage him out of my life. Step by step i will use the resources to disengage from this man who seems to possess an unending need to hook me for reasons that I may never fully understand and will eventually stop caring about completely.Having found this book, I know I will be alright. I was once a proactive, energetic and vibrant woman. I will find myself again, likely much stronger and more powerful than before. As I end this review, it is my hope for our daughters and sons that Lundy Bancrofts books become a "must read" in the Health ciriculum in every middle school across the country.

After reading this book I have one word—deafening. So much validation & confirmation to untangling the confusion of my marriage. I will recommend this book to anyone I meet from here forward & I come from a conservative Christian background. Sure there’s a little language in the book & mention of gender/marriage preferences. Did not bother me a bit. Help is help. Good solid information is good solid information & in these areas I find secular advice most of the time to be better & more balanced sadly anyways.

I haven’t finished reading this book yet, but I have to say it’s really helping me organize my thoughts. It’s very hard to make sure you’re making the correct decision in your relationship. I have so much going on in my head, and this book helps me to put things into perspective. Will continue review once I’ve finished the book!

I bought this book back in the fall of 2019 and worked through it for the first few months of 2020. In that time I built up my support network, started to see that my partner was truly abusive, and began to love myself again. I decided that I had put off my dreams of running an online business long enough, wrote a book, and started learning how to build a successful business. It is now 2021 and I am reading through the notes from that time in my journal and realize that much of the self esteem and courage to move forward was inspired by the prompts in the book. I have not left my partner yet, however reading through the second time I am no longer afraid to do so. I can even see it being a path to freedom. I now recommend this book to other women who may need it. It's changed my life <3

Another great book from L. Bancroft (and J. Patrissi) Definitely a must-read for everyone who is thinking of or already did escape a toxic/ unhealthy/ abusive relationship. With loads of self-reflecting exercises and practical advices. Very empowering!!!

By chance, I read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, I borrowed it from the library and it started switching on some lights about my current situation, and past situations.The author has extensive knowledge and experience working with and dealing with abusers, be it mental, physical, spiritual, emotional etc., and he tells it like it is. He is also able to tell us what it is and what it looks like in our lives. It can be really uncomfortable to read because of our own denial and magical thinking, but I urge you for your own health, wellbeing and sanity, read the whole book. If you let it, it will be the start to a great change in your life.I then went searching for anything else by Lundy, and came across this as a possible follow up.In it, Lundy and his co author gently and literally walk you through the process of untangling yourself from the web of manipulation, control and abuse that you have been living in. If your partner is alcoholic, a drug addict, has mental health issues etc., they cover all these aspects, and even say that none of these things are the cause of abuse. Abuse is abuse, period.They do it in a way that makes you feel loved, nurtured, affirmed, validated and cared for whilst making you fully aware of some really hard things. They give you exercises to do to help you get in touch with yourself and find out what you really want, that gently and powerfully empowers you to stand for what is good for you, and hold your partner accountable for his actions, past, present and future. You cannot be soft on abusers, that's how the get away with what they do for so long because of our misdirected empathy towards them.If you do buy either book, it is very important that the abuser does not see it or even know about it.I think it is a powerful tool for anyone suffering from any type of abuse, and for helping others who are. It will also give pointers to help regular relationships be better.I am currently working through it myself, and it is giving me the courage and support to start doing some things in my own situation, knowing that what I have been second guessing myself on is right. I don't have to guess any more. They spell it out clearly. The hard work is me doing it and sticking to it no matter what, and they gently and very constructively help you make a plan for the no matter what.I cannot recommend this book enough

The book was delivered as promised and it was perfect shape!

I didn't think I needed this book. I only got it because I was familiar with Lundy Bancroft's other book "Why Does He Do That?", it having been hugely helpful when my sister was getting out of an abusive relationship. So I'd become a fan of his work and had this book on pre-order out of curiosity. It turned up on my Kindle a few months later, and I can't tell you how uncomfortable it was to read this and realise how much it had to say to me. I was in a relationship that I'd been making all sorts of excuses for - everything was going to be wonderful, I was assured, at some ever-shifting point in the future. Meanwhile, I was becoming increasingly anxious and wondering what had happened to me... why I no longer recognised myself, why I always thought twice before representing my own thoughts and feelings to my partner (and usually ended up not saying anything at all), and why I no longer felt any pride in who I was. I'd been made to feel as though I was expecting too much of my partner, when in fact I had been conditioned to focus all of my energies on meeting his needs while at the same time suppressing my own.While it was uncomfortable to read this, I'll forever be glad that I did. It cut through the nonsense and misdirection and helped me to see that relationship for what it was. Thank you, Lundy Bancroft.