Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage

Every few years a set of insights so simple and brilliant comes along that people are left to ask, "Where has this been?" Lee Raffel's insights on the necessity to plan a life event as momentous and confounding as a marital separation are surely among those.As an attorney and family mediator, I've often been struck by how quickly and automatically many professionals (especially attorneys) have assumed that spouses who breathe the word "divorce" must immediately be ushered through the legal steps of divorce. Not knowing any differently nor what they could do to see the true range of their options, these poor spouses (many of them parents responsible for fragile children) end up spending less time planning their separation than planning a Super Bowl party. In some cases, they are even lured into thinking they can sue each other on their way to a good outcome.Among other things, Ms. Raffel has shown that whether or not a troubled couple ultimately divorces, we professionals owe it to them to show that they have the chance to make their separation as constructive as possible. And she goes a long way in giving simple but brilliant guidance on the issues a husband and wife can consider to succeed--again, whether they ultimately reconcile or begin a respectful divorce.My experience is that couples who separate without the kind of planning recommended by Ms. Raffel (and sadly that's most separating couples) are unknowingly embarking on a perilous course without a map, a compass, or even a sense of partnership among the crew. They are virtually predestined to misunderstand and disappoint each other. No wonder so many spouses who separate out of hurt, frustration, or depression end up divorced--even when they didn't need or want a divorce when they separated. And no wonder so many of them end up not just divorced, but angry, adversarial, and even impaired in their parenting.I hope more spouses thinking them condemned to divorce will take advantage of this remarkable book and resources like [...]. And I desperately hope more family attorneys and counselors will acquaint themselves with Ms. Raffel's gentle, respectful, and long-overdue insights.

If you have been in a marriage relationship for sometime, as I have, and yet that relationship is less healthy than you believe it should be, this book may be for you. I found this book to offer a plan that is a sensible alternative to giving up, getting ugly, or even "making do". Not everyone is angry and wants out of a marriage, at least not without trying everthing possible to mend or reinvigorate the relationship. Lee Raffel offers a blueprint for exploring whether or not a relationship can be "fixed" or saved. Because Raffel's suggestion of controlled separation is negotiated between the two parties, there is buy-in by both parties, at least on some level. Raffel clearly and succinctly lays out the plan, even offering assistance with the negotiating part of the process. She includes everything from how to broach the subject with your spouse, how to tell the kids, how to handle the money, whether or not to seek professional counseling, etc. The book is not written in a "clinical" manner; it is written for the average reader. Also, there are many examples of each step in the process that helpfully illustrate the details from Raffel's case studies.It is my belief that anyone who may cousel or give advice to someone whose marriage is less than satisfying should read this book. I would think that in particular pastors, who may not be as skilled as they would like when dealing with couples in crisis, might find this a helpful technique to utilize.

What’s nice about this book is that if gives you glimpses into other peoples relationships. I never finished it, but I made it through a lot. The guidelines for the separation is helpful if you’re looking for guidance but you need a counselor too.It’s a guide, not a how too. We all have our issues and this is relatable, and offers a wide range of perspectives.It’s not a tool. (Other than separation guidelines) They are stories to help you see where you are. It’s an easy read.I feel for you if you’re buying this. It is helpful but get it from the library if you can.

This book is a guide to doing a controlled separation. While no one wants to be separated, this book just might help you have a successful one, particularly if your idea of success is to get back together. The book will guide you through how to have clear delineated boundaries around your separation, thus allowing the space you probably need to work through issues in a respectful and caring way. I say this from personal experience. Doing a controlled separation helped my wife and I to save our marriage. Of all of the books I have read on the topic of staying versus going this one was the best one for giving couples in trouble a useful helpfull guide to how to be separated in an honest way.

Book was delivered today, earlier then what was anticipated but it was damaged. The cover was torn which doesn't effect how the pages read but for 25.00 It should have shipped in new condition. It was placed in a box and shipped with a torn cover. No damage to box just the book. Boo!

Excellent book and innovative concept. Very good case studies; one or two that will likely apply to the reader's own situation. The title misleads just a bit in that I thought the book was going to help me then-and-there as to whether I should stay or go. It deals more with the task of separating and the rules that go along with it, so that you CAN decide whether to stay or go. I found that this book was excellent as a second-read, behind "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay." Would absolutely recommend both books for that delicate situation of being in a shaky, unresolved marriage.

Bought this to use in my therapy practice. Great book for couples on the edge of ending a relationship. Good information for the therapist wanting to have more tools to offer their clients! Book arrived quickly and in great condition.

Fast delivery. Great condition. Exactly what my family needed.A very good book. Highly recommended for someone having marital difficulties.thanks again.

not much help in my case