Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed Paperback – October 1, 2021

This was the first book I read to try to understand the narcissistic loved one in my life. It really gives a comprehensive look at what makes narcissists tick in a way that is still compassionate to both the victim of their emotional manipulation and the narcissist themselves. It doesn't judge narcissists as irredeemable, but does set realistic expectations for what you're up against if you choose to (or have no choice but to) continue a relationship with them. Highly recommended.

For a couple of years now i've been on a quest to learn about narcissists & how to deal with them. Several years ago i lived with a man(boy) for 2 years (he is still in my life). at first his attentiveness & fixation on me & absolute "love" seemed great. inside, though, i had fears that it all couldn't be true. after a short period came the criticisms, blames & bullying, manipulating, control & always him trying to shut me off from speaking. he could not/would not hear my voice. making a longer story shorter, he started reminding me of my ex, who did almost identical things with me. i wondered what it was about ME that magnetized these people towards me. during this wonderment i was trying to diagnose this man/boy & he seemed to fit just about every personality disorder in the books, but, alas, when i came upon narcissism, it could not be denied that his spectrum of behavior patterns fit the narcissistic brand like a glove, and IN SPADES. and i had patiently listened over the years to the little he offered in childhood stories, which he glorified in the beginning, yet, after awhile, the neglect, the dismissal, the non-love emerged, though he has not been able to label these things as such - - yet. i read Nina Brown's books - Children of the Self-Absorbed & Loving the Self-Absorbed, then went online & read tons of Sam Vaknin's writings about narcissism, which was wonderfully illuminating! i would return back to Sam's stuff time after time over the years to help myself to understand what i was dealing with. Then, several weeks ago, Amazon advertising alerted me to Wendy Behary's book: Disarming the Narcissist. i ordered it speedy delivery - a first for me!! This book has finally given me what i've been wanting for years - a real & compassionate way to talk to these people without engaging the anger, running away, freezing (going silent - just agreeing) or becoming contentious, otherwise known as fight/flight/freeze. This book has given me insight into my past & some ideas as to how narcissists have turned up in my life more than once. my own deeper introspection sets me free. i keep working on it. meanwhile, Wendy Behary has given communication/expression strategies in dealing with the narcissist(s) in your life. This has produced amazing results for me on two rather serious occasions. my dear narcissist was once again blaming me for something he did & through compassionate listening & description of his & my feelings, the results were amazing. i asked for 2 things: that he admit & apologize. he did both. it took a couple of rounds to get HIM to say the right words AND to give eye contact, but he did it; i kissed him on the head in appreciation & then we continued having a wonderful evening w/out a fight, or contention, or blame. this IS serious work, folks. i'll not kid you - for me, i prepared what i was going to say & wrote it out, so i'd get it right, so it wasn't an instantaneous thing; it took careful thought & wording & i prepared him earlier that i had something serious to talk about later. he's still his same person, trying to fault me about things i said, or didn't say, trying to get me to agree to all of his negative convictions about life & society & people, cutting me off when i'm speaking, pontificating self-righteously & not standing for interruptions when HE'S talking - most of which can be sloughed off by me. one has to truly pick when to put that foot down. one cannot really change the narcissist or his/her patterns, but one can put a block on how much blame, criticism, projection one will allow the narcissist to 'get in.' so, i HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone who has a person, or people in their lives who overstep their bounds with you, tend to push you around, dismiss you & your feelings, brag about themselves unrelentingly & blame you for the things they do. Wendy Behary talks of schemas & cognitive/behavioral therapy - all which deserve a looking into if one wants to really understand themselves and the people they tend to fall "into place" with. ~ Lanette, Connecticut

This is a great book. I was married to a man who was clinically diagnosed with narcisstic personality disorder. He was threatened by the fact that I felt good about myself in a healthy way - recognizing my own strengths and weaknesses and he would try to take everything good about me and tear it down and exaggerate any flaws. At first, it made me wonder why someone would treat me this way and I became depressed. I was smart enough to get counseling which equates to information and support and counteracts their attacks. He hated this. He wanted control. I went on to watch him have many children with many women after I divorced him and the last one physically hurt him. I never thought he'd admit anything but he told (after not talking to him for about 10 years) that MAYBE he was the catalyst for the angry behaviors he instilled in people. Hey, for him that was a HUGE thing to admit. At any rate, I've dealt with a lot of people who want to sabotage others - they must be first at all costs and then there are those who simply are insecure and you really can stay in friendships, relationships, etc. if it's on a mild degree but you MUST balance that with several psychologically healthy people. If the relationship is toxic, move on - there are too many good people out there. A little bit of healthy narcissism is good in all of us - helps build self-esteem but either extreme - feeling you're better than everyone or being beat down by someone who thinks they're better than everyone (or wants to think that) - common sense tells you that that is NOT healthy. This book is well-written and although we all interpret things differently, there seems to be a consensus that she delivers the right message and does a great job doing so. I think this is a great book for anyone to read.

Lots of good information and a good read, but I didn’t feel like gave me the tools I needed